Turtle Channel!!!

-Taken from Asia Sentinel-
by Darah Kacukan
Malaysia’s Malay leaders say ‘do as I say, not do as I do’ when it comes to marriage

In early June, the Malaysian media blossomed with pictures of Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in the traditional Malay suap-menyuap ceremony, exchanging bites of colored glutinous rice with his new bride.

This low-key but high-profile wedding followed another elite ceremony in May when one of Malaysia’s most eligible bachelors, the Raja Muda (crown prince) of Perak, Dr Raja Nazrin Shah, finally got hitched at the age of 50 in an unostentatious ceremony in Kuala Kangsar.

But these two weddings had something else in common, a characteristic not much commented on in the media but clear to most Malaysians: in both cases the brides were locally-born Eurasians. The prime minister’s new wife is Jeanne Abdullah, a friend and relative of Abdullah Badawi’s late wife, Endon, who died of complications from breast cancer in October 2005. Jeanne had originally been Jean Danker, a Catholic from a Eurasian family which spans Malaysia and Singapore and who converted to Islam when she married her first husband, Endon’s brother Othman, from whom she was later divorced.

The bride of Oxford and Harvard-educated Raja Nazrin, son of the current Perak Sultan, who himself was formerly Malaysia’s top law official, is Zara Salim Davidson, a chemical engineer and the daughter of William Davidson, a British-born Ipoh lawyer and his Malay wife. She herself is a member of the Kedah royal house and thus related to Malaysia’s first prime minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman. Raja Nazrin has repeatedly spoken out against racism in Malaysia. Zara considers herself to be very much a Malay despite her Eurasian blood.

These weddings thus represent what should be one of the triumphs of Malaysia its ability to break down racial and religious barriers and subsume them into a broader Malaysian identity. Unfortunately the elite all too often fails to preach what it actually practices. It is a one-way street. Marry a Malay and you will become a Malay. You will also become a Muslim and, the courts say, you will stay that way.

The good-natured Abdullah Badawi clearly has no problem with the mixed racial ancestry of his bride, or with the fact that she was baptised a Christian. Yet he heads a ruling party which is not merely race-based but at times makes a fetish of Malay racial purity. And he heads a government that supports the recent court decision refusing to allow a Muslim to become a Christian, an act of supposed apostasy. But in the eyes of some Christian fundamentalists, the gentle Jeanne is also an apostate for having forsaken Christianity.

Malays are not the only ones with identity problems. Scratch many a Malaysian Chinese and one may also find a strain of Chinese chauvinism, as is often the case in Singapore. But in Malaysia it is the Malay elite which sets the tone. This is why many believe that a more open recognition of the sheer diversity of Malaysians’ origins would help offset the divisions caused by race-based politics that identifies religion with race.

Just a brief look at the origins of many members of the elite gives the lie to ethnic purity and religious dogmatism. There is Mahathir Mohamad, Malaysia’s longest-serving prime minister. His father was a Muslim Malayali from Kerala in south India who migrated to Malaysia and took a Malay bride. Mahathir himself was classified as an Indian when at university in Singapore.

But instead of celebrating the upward mobility that Malaysia offered to this migrant from India, the politics of the United Malays National Organisation required Mahathir to bury his ethnic past and wear his acquired Malay identity on his sleeve. In reality Mahathir welcomes racial mingling. His son Mirzan married into the family of Indonesian Chinese tycoon Liem Sioe Liong, and daughter Marina’s first husband was European.

The current head of the UMNO youth, Hishamuddin Hussein, who waved a kris (Malay dagger) at last year’s national UMNO convention and offered to bathe it in Chinese blood to the ominous cheers of the audience, is another whose Malay roots are not as deep as often assumed. His grandfather, the founder of UMNO, Onn Jaafar, appeared to be a Caucasian, which was not surprising given that his Johor-based family was of Turkish origin. Onn was ejected from the party he founded because he wanted to make it multi-racial and though his son went on to become the head of UMNO and a prime minister, he carried with him his father’s inclusive and moderate instincts.

Onn lost out politically to Malaysia’ s first Prime Minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman. Although the Tunku placed more emphasis on Malay identity, he was certainly no exclusivist. Indeed, he had been born a subject of the King of Siam and as a scion of the royal house of Kedah spent some of his early years in Bangkok at the court of his then sovereign. His mother was Siamese, though her family originally was from Pegu (Burma). Of his four wives, one was Thai Chinese, one English, one Malay and one Malaysian-Chinese. He never hid his fondness for whisky, even while heading the Organization of Islamic Conference, or his student days in England pre-occupied, as he once put it, with “fast women, fast cars and not-so-fast horses.”

The Malay aristocracy has anyway been quite catholic in its choice of brides. Those in mixed marriagesinclude Ahmad Shah, the Sultan of Pahang, whose consort is of Pakistani lineage. The Sultan of Selangor’s divorced second consort and mother of his heir apparent was an American citizen.

Sultan Iskandar of Johor’s first wife, the mother of his heir apparent, was a British woman, Josephine Trevorrow. In this respect Sultan Iskandar took after his own grandfather, Sultan Ibrahim, who had two European wives, one British, one Romanian.

Maybe it is Johor’s geography, its proximity to Singapore and the diversity of Indonesia, but its politicians seem to thrive on marrying outsiders. Former Deputy Prime Minister Musa Hitam’s first wife was from (Catholic) Latin America and his second was of mixed ancestry . Another Johor politician, Tun Ismail, deputy prime minister in the early 1970s, was of part Chinese ancestry.

Conversions of convenience to Islam often mean that Malay mixtures leave little trace compared with other cross-ethnic marriages. But the non-Malay, but Muslim, origins of many of the elite are found everywhere, from South Asia, Yemen, Egypt, Turkey and other countries. They include the likes of Zeti Aziz, the governor of Bank Negara. She is the daughter of Ungku Aziz, the European-looking former University of Malaya vice-chancellor, whose Johor-based family came from Turkey.

Chinese roots are also more real than apparent, often hidden by conversions. But relatively recent high-profile marriages to Chinese include Tengku Razaleigh, former finance minister and a member of the Kelantan royal house who married a long-time Chinese friend who converted and changed her name to Noor Abdullah. Rashid Hussein, the prominent Singapore-born, Anglophile financier whose father was Indian and mother Malay married Sue Kuok, a daughter of tycoon Robert Kuok Hock Nian, the Malaysian-born but now Hong Kong-based tycoon. Kuok’s first wife and mother of some of his children was Eurasian but he later married a Chinese and emphasized his Chinese ethnic identity. In a recent book, “Asian Godfathers” Kuok was described by an in-law as “the biggest racial bigot I have ever met.”

Among the non-Malay groups, inter-ethnic marriages are generally much more common than among Malays. However it also seems the case that migration is the preferred option for the numbers of Malaysians who either marry across ethnic lines or acquire foreign spouses while studying or working abroad. This particularly applies to Malay women who are either not particularly religious or who see no reason why their spouses should convert.

By one estimate, there are some 150,000 mixed marriages in Malaysia, a number that seems impossibly small in a population of 24 million. The leafy, winding streets of Damansara Heights and Kenny Hills abound with matrons who entered into marriage and lives of leisure with well-to-do Malays straight out of the universities of England, where the government had sent their mates. It is forbidden for a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim, so these women, with their servants and their huge homes, stop being Jean and become Jehan in public, although seldom in private.

But while the list of Malay elites is long and rich with instances of intermarriage, at the lower economic levels the list is short, and increasingly circumscribed by the growing power of Malaysia’s shariah, or Islamic religious courts. The issue was brought to the fore in the case of Lina Joy, who changed her name from Azlina Jailani and became a Catholic in an effort to marry a non-Muslim.

With scores, perhaps hundreds, of outraged Muslims outside the courtroom, demanding that she be denied the chance to change her religion on her identity card, a high court ruled in May that she was subject to the jurisdiction of the shariah court. The shariah courts have allowed one conversion in history – for a woman who had been dead for decades.

The result is that either people do not marry, or they emigrate. Bright women who have preferred to marry foreigners found their husbands denied work permits. There are believed to be thousands living in Australia, Canada or the United Kingdom.

For Malaysia’s young to take their cues from Malaysia’s top politicians and the cream of society outside of official policy might not be a bad idea. Shamsul Amri Baharuddin, the Director of the Institute of the Malay World Civilisation (ATMA) and Professor at University Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM) in Bangi – and himself married to an Australian, says Abdullah Badawi’s marriage to Jean Danker Abdullah is “not a catalyst but certainly symbolic.”

Marina Mahathir told Asia Sentinel that “If people think that marrying into another culture is enriching, then it will be a good thing. But some people make one person give up their own culture because they think of it as inferior.”

But so long as the elite indulges in kris-waving while marrying as it pleases, multiracial nation-building may have scant grass roots impact.

Anna's mother had a difficult time taking care of her when she was a baby. Every time she was breastfed, Anna would cry and cry non stop for hours. Eventually, her mother temporarily stopped breastfeeding Anna and fed her milk powder formulated for babies instead. The crying did not stop. Worse of all, Anna had refused to drink any milk after 8 weeks. Confused and panicked, her parents rushed her to the hospital. Anna was a very tiny baby, much smaller than her peers at 8 weeks, and had not grown since she left the hospital.

The diagnosis was in within the week. Anna was lactose-intolerant. In fact, she was almost 99% intolerant, making it very difficult for her body to digest even very small amounts of milk. She would get nauseated, bloated, an upset and painful tummy, and occasionally get feverish. The doctors quickly put her on a special diet, and she was immediately better. The best thing was Anna began to grow.

Years later, when Anna was an adult, she would still have to take care of her food intake. She could not eat chocolates and drank soya milk to substitute for fresh milk. Even butter would send her to the toilet for hours. It became necessary for her to tell her friends about her condition so that when they invited her for parties, weddings or dinners, they would know to prepare a special meal for her or at least tell her in advance what the menu would be so that she could bring her own food.

When Anna got married, she made sure her husband, Dan, and his entire family knew she was lactose intolerant. Their wedding menu was designed to cater to her condition.

Two months after her wedding, her new mother-in-law, Joyce, invited Dan and Anna to a home-cooked dinner. Dan's entire family would be there and it was a casual get together in Joyce's house. Anna reminded Joyce about her condition and asked if she should bring a special meal for herself. Joyce told her it was not necessary.

So the happy newlyweds went to Joyce's house for dinner two weeks later, only to find that the main course was a French dish that was cream-based. Anna told Joyce that she couldn't eat it, and Joyce got very upset. Joyce had spent 2 weeks preparing the menu and the whole day cooking dinner to make it enjoyable for the family. She could not believe the newest member into her family would not eat her specially prepared dinner, which was hard work, and very expensive to prepare.

She told Anna that she put half the amount of cream that was required to cater to Anna's needs. It was half the amount, and Anna should be fine eating it.

Anna explained that it doesn't matter if it is half the amount or full amount. If it has lactose, she would not be able to eat it. She couldn't even eat trace amounts of butter without getting nauseated. Half the amount of cream would still send her to the toilet for the rest of the night!

Joyce was incredibly upset. She had specially prepared dinner, bought such expensive ingredients and even modified the amount of cream just to please her new daughter-in-law who was now telling her that she wasn't going to partake in dinner.

Anna was dumbfounded that her new mother-in-law was angry that she was born lactose-intolerant.

Joyce decided to compromise and told Anna to eat just a little bit, since it would be just a very small amount. Anna said no, and it really upsetted her. Here she was, slaving over the menu and preparing dinner for her new daughter-in-law who was so ungrateful and unappreciative. She couldn't believe how Dan could marry such a woman.

Anna was still dumbfounded and very annoyed that her mother-in-law was so clueless and was forcing her to eat something that would make her sick. She couldn't believe that someone would be so unreasonable as to get upset over a medical condition that Anna had no control over.

Dinner was awkward and stiff, and was not a good start to a new family.

Neither were really wrong, yet neither were really right. Such is the pity of life.

I read in the newspapers today that yesterday was the worldwide release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. There were people actually queuing up outside bookstores to get the book! At 4am!!! This is insane!

Apparently in one Carrefour, the Potter book was sold out within 6 hours. My story? I walked into Tesco yesterday just before lunch because I needed to buy groceries. While I was there, I saw them selling the Harry Potter book. Not realising that it was the day of the worldwide release (since there was no crowd or no "rush" to buy the book), I strolled over, picked one of MANY books up and asked my partner whether I should waste money buying it. He asked me if I really wanted it. I said, "It's got a hardcover. I like hardcover books. I think I'll just get it". There was no one else rushing to buy the book. The only 3 people standing in front of the shelf were me, my partner and a guy wearing a Tesco shirt who was attempting to fill the entire shelf with a box full of the Deathly Hallows book.

Yes, Harry Potter fans are going to kill me. I didn't know anything about the book's release until I read the newspapers today. And I only bought the book because it has a hardcover.

Anyway, I finished the book last night. I kinda already expected the ending so it wasn't too thrilling for me. I got on the internet today and found people saying they cried and cried while reading the book. Personally I thought it was boring. The only part I particularly enjoyed was Severus Snape's memories of his conversation with Dumbledore and he showed his Patronus. And Dumbledore said"After all this time?" And Severus replied "Always". That part was actually quite sweet. With a name like Severus Snape, it's hard to appear sweet. But that was pretty sweet. In a sick sort of way. But I digress.

I can't believe fans were bawling over the book and over who died. Honestly, I was not really captured by the story even though I read all the books and got to know all the characters thoroughly. Somehow the writer did not properly kill off any of the characters and it all felt too fake, too rushed, too boring. I certainly don't recommend anyone to read this unless, of course, they have read all the other Potter books and want to know what happens to Snape. You don't need to know what happens to Voldemort. It's obvious. He's the bad guy and bad guys always die. YAWN.

Lord of the Rings was way better. Potter doesn't even come close. Who cares about Potter? Go Frodo!!!!

LOTR

Last week I read this line...it said "Always remember that you are very unique...just like everybody else". It really got me laughing...and then it got me thinking.

In our quest to be unique and to find some meaning in our lives, we often lament "No one understands me". Or the younger generation would always tell the older ones "You are so outdated. No wonder we can't communicate".

The irony of the scenario is that we are actually so similar. The more we try to be different, the more similar we are to the crowd. We think we should leave a mark in this world, but the truth is that to leave your name in history, you either have to be a very cruel person, or a very saintly one. If you are cruel, you leave your name to be scorned at for generations to come. Think Hitler, for instance. If you are saintly, you leave behind your name to be raped by someone in the future who either thinks you are a fake, or takes your teachings and twist them into something evil.

I would like to be forgotten when I die. Just another name on the stone at the graveyard. Just another face staring out listlessly at the visitors who come once a year either during Cheng Beng or All Souls' day.

You know, when I visit my deceased uncle in Nilai (cemetary), I would look at my uncle's "neighbours". See what year they were born and what year they departed from the earth. Some die so young, and I wonder what their story was. Was it cancer? Or an accident maybe? Some were born before the first world war and died after the second one had ended. What had they seen? Felt? Known? Lived? What were their stories? Perhaps one day, I shall write a fictional series of short stories on these lives.

Perhaps I should do that starting from today. Then we can really see how very similar we are. We are the sand on the beach. We amount to nothing. Yet we amount to something. Different sands, yet similar in compound. Far away, yet indistinguishable when brought together. Our accomplishments, hopes and dreams amount to nothing when we go. Our lives here on earth will be like a dream when we are gone. Just another soul. Just another one. So simple...why do we complicate it all?

This weekend I shall go plant some trees. My life may be forgotten when I'm gone. But it would be nice to do something simple and happy, far far away from the crazy and meaningless dog-eat-dog world we live in.

I read this off the bulletin board in my friendster account recently, and decided to post it on my blog with my comments appended on each statement:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30seconds flat.
Why the heck do you bother with a phone call then? Morons, and liars. You never call. You simply type in a 3 word sms like "Free for dinner?" or "Will be late" without any proper invitation for a date, or a proper explanation on WHY you are going to be late, HOW LATE are you going to be etc. Worse of all are your stupid sms responses to our questions like "Ok" or "Yes" or "No" without giving any explanation on WHY yes, WHY no or what opinions you have in your completely uncomplex brain other than "OK". WHY DO WE EVEN DATE YOU NEANDERTHALS???? *ah, glad to have gotten than off my chest -.-" *

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Believe me, we girls are happy movie nudity is virtually always females. You honestly think we wanna see a hairy butt on the telly? Unless of course, it's Brad Pitt.

3. You know stuff about tanks.
Oh yeah right. Just like you know stuff about airplanes and guns right? All crap. Just put smart female scientist there and she'll find out you actually know nothing about tanks and airplanes and guns. You only know how to BS. Big time.

4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You KNOW should only carry one suitcase. Otherwise you won't have enough hands to carry our 3 other suitcases.

5. Sunday Night Football.
Well. We. enjoy. football. too. Besides, not all of you watch sports, so this statement is WAYYYY TOOO alpha male :P

6. You don't have to monitor yourfriends' sex lives.
Yeah, right. As if you don't try to monitor your female friends' sex lives!

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Ok. I concede this one.

8. You can open all your own jars.
So can we. We just ask you to do it. You, being so proud of being able to open all your own jars, are after all, just an over-glorified jar-opener. I'm glad you're proud of your abilities. Jar-opener.

9. Old friends don't give a crapwhether you've lost or gained weight.
They just pretend not to care in front of you to be polite. Your nick-name is Fat-a$$. Or Stickman. And don't pretend you don't care about being teased on your weight. We females know that is not true. How many times have I had a chubby guy expressed his hurt to me because of his weight? You alpha males pretend not to care. Yeah right. We know better.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don'trob you blind.
You only ASSUME they don't rob you blind. Enuff said.

11. When clicking through the channels,you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
Yeah, but you do have to stall at every shot of someone getting shot at. Or a bomb going off. Or a female stripping. Or at the sight of blood splattered all over the scene. Or at the commercial of the McLaren-Mercedez. Or at the sight of Angelina Jolie. Or at at any and every car chase scene.

12. Your butt is never a factor in jobinterviews.
Hey, we use that factor to our advantage! And you can't! Hahaha, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

13. All your orgasms are real.
No wonder you are always so exhausted.

14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
No, but you will get nagged at everyday of your life by your gf/wife/female friend until you will wish you are invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into theboards).
Talking about sexual and physical assault is not funny.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
Lucky you. That's why you should stay single. Otherwise you will be carrying our bag of useful stuff for us.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
........

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Wow, you can do this without a support group, but if you are asked to wash the bathroom, you need a support group. This is so .... sad...

19. Your last name stays put.
That's only because we females have a better perscpetive on things. You keep your last name, we keep your monthly salary. It's a pretty good deal if you ask me. And the best thing is that you actually fall for it. Every. Single. Time.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
So what? I even leave my own bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, youdon't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
...Fine. You got me here.

22. You can kill your own food.
Oh yeah? And who was the scadery cat who joined me up on the table when we saw that cockroach?

23. The garage is all yours.
The joke's on you, mate. We don't HAVE a garage!

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You also get a lot of nagging for your constant act of thoughtlessness.

25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.
You actually watched that movie? I am astounded!

26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
No, but everyone secretly wonders whether you chew.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.
You can't help being incapable of being clean. Never mind, just hand over your wallet and we'll call a maid service to clean your disgusting toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to goin 10 minutes. YUP!!!!
And we end up looking hotter than you. YUP!!

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Ok, you win on this count...

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
We don't really mind if you're paying big bucks for it.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
True only for some guys. I have met guys who actually got very upset about this. Should we start labeling them as females from now on?

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
But they don't make you look sexy to us. Have you seen what OUR underwear can do to you?

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
...Paedophiles...

34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
Wait, you forget. Sometimes you don't even shave above the neck.

35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
No, but they have the power to make you punch a hole in the wall and fracture your wrist. Personally I prefer the alternative.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
Ah, so you know how un-sexy your hairy butt really is. So stop complaining if we refuse to have sex with your hair butt. Isn't it obvious?

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
If that is happening, don't be too pleased yet. It's probably because no one from the opposite gender notices you. You are invisible!

38. You can write your name in the snow.
As if that is what you really do. Admit it. We all know you piss your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Yuck. I think I'll pass this one.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Really? So why are you ultra sensitive about your pimples?

41. Chocolate is just another snack.
Arrgghhh. I hate you.

42. You can be president. (In thislifetime.)
Ahahahaha!!! You??? Yeah right, you wish. You're no where closer than where I sit.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Are you kidding me? Who is the bugger in the passenger seat who keep freaking out everytime I overtake another car?

44. Flowers fix everything.
Of course. Because it means you had just spent 50 bucks on something that will die the next day. Hahahaha, we women love to make you throw your money away.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
If this is true, it means you are probably not going to get much sex from your gf/wife unless you keep changing partners constantly. Or it means you are going to have to buy a lot of 44

46. You get to think about sex 90% ofyour waking hours.
Why do you want to do that? It's not like you're getting it 90% of your waking hours. If you are, you're going to die by the age of 38.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
So can we. You just won't allow us to

48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
...........

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
erm. Why do you want to do that?

50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
Well, that is true.

Ok, there have been loads of stuff off the internet on how to save money. But their tips include: stop drinking Starbucks, or go shopping only once a week using cash instead of credit card. Honestly, those tips are for those people who are already pretty well-off but just overspending. What about those who are already broke and need to save more money for college tuition fees and stuff like that? People who can't even afford to pay for Kopi-O in the mamak, much less Starbucks in the first place?

Here’s what you do:
Firstly, stop going to mamak with your friends so often. That Teh Ais might only cost RM1.40, but if you go 5 days in a week, after a month you will be spending RM28. That’s a lot of money for someone who is already broke. Besides, RM28 can buy you the new box of underwear that you seriously need (not safe for your reproduction orgrans to go hanging about near the zips of your jeans, I tell you). However, by not going for outings you may end up losing friends, so it may be a better idea to still go to mamak, but bring your own bottle of water (not mineral water, but boiled water that you pour into your recycled mineral water bottle). Mamaks are usually quite tolerant of people bringing in bottle water.

Normally, a person cannot hide the emotional and psychological effects of sharing their lives with another person other than their spouse. It is almost inevitable that certain telltale signs will show because the emotions of the cheater will show through their actions, facial expressions and body language. By learning and understanding how the human psychology works, you can probably pin-point certain worrying traits in your partner.

Mind you, if you partner exhibits one or two of these signs, they may not actually be cheating. It may just be coincidental. However, if you find yourself agreeing with majority of the signs, (5 or more of the 10 in this list), you should probably start taking a closer look at your relationship. Also, they may not be in a physical affair. It may be an emotional affair, or a crush they have on another person.

So are they having an affair? Read on:

1. The most common: Suddenly buying you flowers and gifts and all of the sudden, being extra attentive! And it's not your birthday...

This is normally not a cause of worry unless it is accompanied by the other signs in this list. However, cheaters will be extra affectionate during the first few weeks of their cheating due to guilt of betraying you. It could even be a conscious to try to spice up their relationship with you. BUT this will not last. Eventually it will move on to number 2.

2. Fighting with you over almost everything (small or big), and storming off during the fight, shutting you out. When you talk/discuss about it later, he/she starts saying things like: "What would you do if our relationship ended", or "Will we still be friends if we are no longer a couple?"

The fighting over small things is normally a result of the cheater's emotions of guilt due to betrayal, and an unconscious need to have a reason to cheat (i.e. we are fighting all the time). The repeated statements of the end of your relationship is probably due to him/her constantly thinking of leaving you. Of course, he/she may not actually be cheating based on this sign alone: they could actually WANT to leave you (but not actually be cheating). Also, fighting over small things is more commonly a sign of PMS...However, if you have BOTH the fighting and the end of relationship, AFTER the showers of presents, it is a big red flag.

3. Change in behavioural patterns. You are closest to your partner and knows your partner inside out. You know their mood swings, their behaviour, their actions and even their schedule. If you notice something different, you may not be able to pinpoint what it is. But your instincts tell you it has changed. Look carefully. Don't ignore it because you are not making it up. For instance, your partner seems moody around you, and gets very happy when you say you are going leaving. Or, your partner is angry over God knows what (they refuse to share with you), although you don't think there was anything you did wrong or that anything went wrong in the day's activities. You see, it is inevitable that the cheater's relationship with the other person will spill over to your relationship. If they had a fight, the cheater is bound to bring it to you. If he/she was upset with the other person, he/she will be moody around you.

4. Slowly by slowly, you are getting shut out.

First it would be the talking. He/she stops talking to you, telling you about their day, or what they are thinking. You realised that you no longer talk about your feelings because your partner isn't interested to know what you want or feel anymore. When you DO talk, you are getting criticism over all the things that your partner used to find attractive about you. Any comments you make to your spouse will make him/her easily offended and start another fight. Number 2 (in the list) repeats itself until you you're too scared to talk to your partner first (you rather let him/her bring up a topic of discussion). The trouble is that he/she prefers not to even look at you or talk to you. He/she also begins to shut the door when they are changing (they never did this before), read a book or watch TV when you want to have s3x, pushes you away when you try to be affectionate and stops kissing you passionately. What's happening here is that your partner is starting to distance themselves from you. This is an unconscious effort to physically and psychologically move away from you so that it makes the cheating easier (less guilt). It's hard to live with the feeling of guilt pressing on them when they are betraying you, so pushing you away makes it a whole lot easier.

5. He/she has a new hobby/interest that they never had before.

This is a very BIG RED FLAG, especially if your partner didn't mention a new friend (of the same gender). Having a new hobby or interest or talking about something that he/she was previously completely uninterested in and that you don't share in means that he/she has been sharing this with someone else. People seldom have a change in their routines and interest unless it is sparked by another person. If he/she has a new friend, this will probably also happen. But if you don't know of them having any new friends of the same gender, it's most likely that they picked this up from someone else, and someone VERY CLOSE to them (i.e. their lover).

6. Your partner starts talking about another person of the opposite gender,

often criticising the person in an unconscious attempt to send the message that they are not interested in/will never be interested in that person. Psychologically and mentally, it is very hard to push a love interest out of the mind completely. Remember when you first fell in love with your spouse? You thought about him/her almost every free moment you had! It is no different when an affair starts. The cheater will constantly think of the other person, and inevitably end up talking about that person. In an effort to cover up, they will try to criticize the other person.

7. Your partner stops paying attention to you.

It started off with the lack of conversation and the shutting out (see number 4 above). It will continue to this. You make special effort to look nice, put on nice clothes and even work out in the gym. Your partner just doesn't notice you or your routines and life. He/she stops complimenting you on your looks and stops telling you "I love you".

8. Your partner no longer wants to discuss the future of your relationship.

This is another red flag. If previously, you have been discussing having children/retirement plans and now your partner stops or avoids the conversation, it is likely that he/she is thinking that of ending the relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean that he/she is cheating on you, but if coupled with number 6, this is a BIG RED FLAG for you.

9. Sleeping patterns.

He/she either is super exhausted (without good explanation/reason) when going to bed, or has restless nights. Your spouse is also confused or disoriented when waking up. This can be due to too much toil during the affair, and also having trouble remembering which bed he/she is waking up in! If you see this after your spouse has been travelling, it is probably normal. But if you're going through a normal routine life and your spouse is overly tired or doesn't seem to know where he/she is waking up, this is a bad sign. The most obvious sign would probably be your spouse sleep-talking and calling another person's name!

10. Close relatives and friends start to notice something is amiss.

Because you have been living with the gradual changes, you may not necessarily notice immediately that things are so very different. You may even unconsciously choose to ignore it. But close friends and relatives will pick up on the tension and changes and comment on it.

In the age of consumerism, we start making many BIG, BAD etiquette decisions simply because of our inabilities to detach ourselves from what we want. The bride wants the dream wedding she always wanted, to be showered with the many beautiful presents she expects to get on her big day, a dream house to return to etc etc. BUT she forgets that the people attending her wedding may not want to spend all that money and time. What is a big day to her, may not be a big day to others. The trouble with consumerism is that we get so caught up with the getting, that we forget all the other constraints involved such as other peoples feelings, opinions, thoughts and hearts.

The following are 2 true stories written by people irritated with the bride-to-be:

I was copied on a mass email sent by my future SIL the other day, and it's taken me this long to recover and post about it. The first sentence wasn't so bad, but it waaaay downhill from there. The second paragraph notes when/where the bridal shower is, then goes on to say where they are registered, but that "of course, cash and gift cards are always welcome!" As if that wasn't bad enough, the next paragraph goes on to talk about the bachelorette party SHE's planning (um, no) and that she wants to have a Pure Romance party and everyone needs to bring her "naughty" gifts. That is just so not an image I want in my head. Then it gets even worse. The wedding and the reception are two hours away from each other, which is bad enough, but then she goes on to state that one of the highlights of the reception will be opening gifts from those unable to attend the shower, like "Bob's" (my BIL's) family who are all from out of town! My jaw hit the floor when I read all of this. I don't think the entire library of Miss Manners books could make a dent in this girl.

Exhibit 2: The Greedy AND Selfish Bride
NOTE: MOH = maid of honour, MOB = mother of bride
This was waiting for me in the mail when I got home today. The shower is being held for the daughter of my mothers best friend. It is her second marriage. I was guilted into babysitting for her a couple of summers ago (and she still owes me $70 but that's another story). Anyway I got an invitation to her bridal shower. This is the part of the invitation that nearly made me choke when I read it.

"We are having a room by room shower! Let's help John and Jane decorate their beautiful new house! You have been assigned the master bath. Jane's colors for this room are chocolate brown and cream. Please bring bath towels in these colors."

Well I immediately called my mom to see if she had gotten an invitation, she had. She was assigned the master bedroom and was told to bring sheets for a queen sized bed in pale blue.
You want to know the best part of this? Mom had spoken with the MOH when she called to RSVP and the MOH was so proud that she had talked the bride out of including registry cards on with invitations because "that just looks so tacky!". Evidently MOH and bride came up with this idea together in order to avoid duplicate gifts and to make sure the bride got what she wanted.

I figure I'll let her keep the $70 she owes me as her wedding gift and it's such a shame that I can't get the day off work so I can come to her shower.

From what I understand they came up with this in place of a registry because they thought registries were tacky. I don't understand the logic behind that but OK. My mom is going for her friend (who is really a very lovely lady and was horrified when she found out what her daughter was planning). The shower is next Saturday (yeah I know, really short notice) so I'll be able to find out everything that went on.

So I talked with my mom this morning, she took the MOB out to dinner last night, she is just sick about the whole wedding and this shower idea but has already had so many fights with the bride and groom and MOH about the wedding that she is not willing to fight with them about this. This is just a bit of background information on the wedding and all the drama involved in it. Keep in mind this is the brides second marriage, the grooms third.
The fireworks started when the bride and groom discovered that neither set of parents were willing to contribute money towards the wedding. Well there were many temper tantrums, tears, threats of never being able to see their grandchild again (and that was just from the groom you should have seen how the bride acted). Finally just to keep the peace the MOB agreed to contribute some money towards their wedding, the grooms parents are standing firm that they will not be contributing anything.

Then the fights over the wedding itself began. The bride wants this to be a very lavish event. She has six bridesmaids and two flower girls, is going to be wearing a big poufy white dress, floor length veil, the whole works. She is having the wedding and reception in Boise which is about a five hour drive from the town where their families live. Reason? She couldn't find anything in our town that was fancy enough for her. Her mom suggested that maybe things were getting too elaborate for a second wedding and they should tone it down a bit but she was accused of trying to ruin the brides day and was also accused of trying to punish the bride for her failed first marriage and that was the reason she didn't want her to have a nice wedding. Every time she suggested something a little less expensive or less elaborate she ended up getting in a fight with either the MOH or the bride and groom. So she just stopped trying to help at all and just wrote the bride a check and washed her hands of the whole thing.

Now about the shower. The MOH wanted the MOB to host it at a rather expensive restaurant (and pay for it of course). MOB finally put her foot down and said she would have nothing to do with a shower for the wedding. Well MOH and bride pitched a royal fit but MOB stands firm on this. Well then MOH and bride descended on his mom and tried to bully her into paying for a fancy shower. She refused and so the bride is no longer on speaking terms with either mom.
MOB is already getting calls from her family as they get their invitations, this is just some of the things they have been told to bring, stainless steel kitchen appliances, power tools (cause ya know the groom would just be crushed if he didn't get shower presents too), kitchen towels in red or black, a down comforter, and this is the best one, bed linens for the brides daughters bedroom which is being decorated in a Disney Princess theme.


Dear GOD, what has happened here? Why do people fight with each other and create so much anger, tension and hurt over an event that is supposed to celebrate love? Why has materialism and consumerism taken over all the most joyous and sacred of events such as weddings and christmasses? What has happened?

By focusing only on themselves and what they hope to gain, they have lost their ability to give love.

Starting out on a new life with a new partner is already challenging. Throwing in the disagreements, tension and fights about the wedding day prior only makes things worse. It is easy to lose perspective of what is really important once you get into the groove of wanting a day for yourself. The planning which started as a happy occasion, became an extension of the ego, and unconsciously, the loving became the selfish. They may think: “What’s wrong? It’s only for one day. They can’t even give me this little on ONE occasion? Stingy ba$tard$! Can’t even chip in for my wedding? Selfish a$$hoes!”.

What’s worse is that a selfish person is incapable of seeing themselves as selfish. Instead, they see others as selfish for not giving.

So what are the 5 things you should know?

1. Try to remember WHY you are getting married.
   Is it for the presents or the big event? Is it for the diamond and new house? The party? The feeling-like-a-princess-for-day experience? If these are your reasons, by all means, irritate the hell out of your guests and relatives. Because congratulations, you are a DIVA and your marriage will end like the many DIVAS in Hollywood – divorce. With a whole bunch of people saying “I knew it was coming”.
   
   You are marrying to be with HIM. The man who will spend the rest of his life with you. The love of your life. And this ceremony doesn’t change your love for him, or the wedding day. You just want to be with him. So don’t get caught up with the wedding plans and forget the marriage. It’s like planning for a big battle, and forgetting the war ahead of you.



2. You may need to rethink what a perfect wedding means
   A lot of brides forget themselves while planning the big day. They want perfection. They EXPECT perfection. They EXPECT presents. They EXPECT everything to be done THEIR way. It’s MY DAY, I want the perfect day! Is this too much to ask? Don’t ruin MY DAY!!! Well, you can demand, and you may even get what you demand. But you are going to lose someone else’s respect. You are paying with your reputation. Remember that other people may have their own way of doing things, which may not coincide with your idea of perfection, but may not be a bad thing either. Don’t go hysterical over having the “wrong coloured candles”.



3. You don’t need to be showered with gifts
   Gone are the days when people accepted gifts with gratitude. Now we have wish-lists and even people going so far as to dictate what presents you should get them. Do you want guests there for the presents that they give to you, or do you just want to share the special day with them? Isn’t a wedding all about the love and union between 2 people? If you want an elaborate wedding, that is fine, but it isn’t a good thing when you are expecting someone else to pay for your extravagance, or for guests to bring you great presents. Pay your own way, and just enjoy your guests. Having your expensive dream wedding at another person’s expense is nice, no doubt about that. It’s the ultimate victory in consumerism – to get something for nothing. However what you don’t lose out in terms of money, you will eventually lose out in terms of your relationship with the other person. And that’s something even money cannot buy back.


4. Include your partner in your plans.
   
   Many brides tend to neglect their partner in their plans. They have this huge dream, whereby the man is not required to give any input. In some cases, any input from him is not appreciated. He is supposed to just attend and is only an accessory in the wedding. Just picture this conversationà Groom: “I don’t think we should spend 300 bucks on doves only to release them at the end of the day.” Bride: “Did I even ask you? We ARE having the doves and your mother has already agreed to it, so be a good son and husband and obey!” So what is he? It’s HIS wedding day too! Include him, and make this an affair between the two of you. You may have to compromise some of your dreams to include some of his practicalities, but you what you lose in terms of “dreams” will be invested in your marriage. You are working as a couple! What you gain is far better than a dream: it’s a beautiful reality. What’s the point of having a beautiful dream and an ugly reality?



5. Your guests prefer to see love, not grandeur
   
   Trying to outdo any other wedding anyone else has ever attended before is a great goal. You want to make this a day they will remember. They may even be talking about your wedding in months to come! Great goal, but could you do it in another occasion, like your birthday party? Because in your wedding, your wonderful guests would probably want to see the loving couple unite. What could be more memorable than having the bride and groom so completely in love with each other and glowing with happiness? When you see 2 young lovers sharing in the beauty of new love, the candles, cakes, décor and rooms are all forgotten. You only see love, and share in that love. And perhaps if you have enough love for each other, it will shine out and remind other older couples of their love for their spouses. A beautiful wedding ceremony is not the one with best entertainment. It’s the one where the love is pure.

How to create an OUTSTANDING Valentine CHEAPLY

If you know my spouse, Ye Chow, well you should know that he's one of those guys who detest Valentine's Day.

This is how he describes Valentine's day:

The day which the gate of the sinful open wide and the evil spirits roam free. The dark energy started their preparation from one month ago and this is the day when the dark army strikes. The evil spirits are everywhere on Valentine’s Day, causing people to rob each other under the bright light of the heaven. Even the innocents are not spared. Home is your only refuge on this evil day! Stay home! Heed the warning, or come out at your own peril!

I'm very sure this is shared by quite a few blokes out there. To some extent, Valentine's Day is quite ridiculous (maybe not as dramatic as Ye Chow's description). Why in the world do couples who spend most of their time going out on dates even need another day to date? It's not like we're celebrating World Marriage Day here (where married couples can ditch their whiny kids at home and have a special night out). We're celebrating a day for couples who are already dating! The trouble is that because dating couples already go on spectacular dates, they need to spend more to make this day remotely special. So out comes the ridiculously expensive presents, ridiculously expensive chocolate, ridiculously expensive 5 course dinner and extremely ridiculously expensive roses ($10 per stalk, ARE THEY INSANE??)

So how do we dating couples have an outstanding Valentine's day without spending all that extra cash?

I shall let you in on our secret for a beautiful Valentine's day!

Note: Firstly, I should admit that it took me 2 days to convince Ye Chow to even step out of the house for Valentine's day. We were in Melbourne for work, and so we HAD to go to the office for some meetings with our colleagues. But both our meetings ended a little early, so I managed to convince him to go out to the city and walk around a bit.

Turtle Channel's Spectacular and CHEAP Valentine's Night!
1. Flowers


Ok, we all know how much these things cost during Valentine's day. But why bring your girl flowers? Have you ever thought of this instead: bring her to the flowers!! Think about it! You can shower her with flowers and it won't cost you a thing...and you won't have to kill any plants in the process! And it's even more romantic that giving her a bouquet of roses and kissing over it. You can kiss her while you're surrounded by flowers! You can even romp in the nearby patch of grass, tickle her, kiss or and more! The possibilities are endless! Make the whole giving-flowers-on-Valentine's-Day an event that lasts something like 1-2 hours. You can even bring a camera and tripod to record the whole event. Believe me, it can be very romantic just holding hands and walking in the park. And kissing while surrounded by flowers. And yes, romping on soft grass is pretty nice too. Especially if there is a nearby lake. You can even bring some bread to feed the ducks together!

2. Gourmet dinner


Well, have you seen the ads on newspapers? Some hotels offer a 5-course dinner by candlelight with live band entertainment, flowers and candy for the girl and free polaroid picture to record the event. All for just RM800 per couple. Very cheap isn't it? Waitabloodyminute! Isn't that the price of 1.3 MP camera handphone from Motorola? You're eating a camera handphone! Dear God! As a nice alternative, you can bring your girl dinner under the moonlight! It completely complements the walk-in-the-park-with-flowers thingy. You can bring her some fish and chips or seafood or even burger and just enjoy it under the moonlight. In my case, Ye Chow bought me a seafood platter thingy (fried fish, calamari, prawn, scallops and fries) and a chicken burger for himself from a food stall in the park (it cost less than $15). For entertainment, we didn't have a live band. Instead, we had the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra! And it was absolutely free.