Turtle Channel!!!

Anna's mother had a difficult time taking care of her when she was a baby. Every time she was breastfed, Anna would cry and cry non stop for hours. Eventually, her mother temporarily stopped breastfeeding Anna and fed her milk powder formulated for babies instead. The crying did not stop. Worse of all, Anna had refused to drink any milk after 8 weeks. Confused and panicked, her parents rushed her to the hospital. Anna was a very tiny baby, much smaller than her peers at 8 weeks, and had not grown since she left the hospital.

The diagnosis was in within the week. Anna was lactose-intolerant. In fact, she was almost 99% intolerant, making it very difficult for her body to digest even very small amounts of milk. She would get nauseated, bloated, an upset and painful tummy, and occasionally get feverish. The doctors quickly put her on a special diet, and she was immediately better. The best thing was Anna began to grow.

Years later, when Anna was an adult, she would still have to take care of her food intake. She could not eat chocolates and drank soya milk to substitute for fresh milk. Even butter would send her to the toilet for hours. It became necessary for her to tell her friends about her condition so that when they invited her for parties, weddings or dinners, they would know to prepare a special meal for her or at least tell her in advance what the menu would be so that she could bring her own food.

When Anna got married, she made sure her husband, Dan, and his entire family knew she was lactose intolerant. Their wedding menu was designed to cater to her condition.

Two months after her wedding, her new mother-in-law, Joyce, invited Dan and Anna to a home-cooked dinner. Dan's entire family would be there and it was a casual get together in Joyce's house. Anna reminded Joyce about her condition and asked if she should bring a special meal for herself. Joyce told her it was not necessary.

So the happy newlyweds went to Joyce's house for dinner two weeks later, only to find that the main course was a French dish that was cream-based. Anna told Joyce that she couldn't eat it, and Joyce got very upset. Joyce had spent 2 weeks preparing the menu and the whole day cooking dinner to make it enjoyable for the family. She could not believe the newest member into her family would not eat her specially prepared dinner, which was hard work, and very expensive to prepare.

She told Anna that she put half the amount of cream that was required to cater to Anna's needs. It was half the amount, and Anna should be fine eating it.

Anna explained that it doesn't matter if it is half the amount or full amount. If it has lactose, she would not be able to eat it. She couldn't even eat trace amounts of butter without getting nauseated. Half the amount of cream would still send her to the toilet for the rest of the night!

Joyce was incredibly upset. She had specially prepared dinner, bought such expensive ingredients and even modified the amount of cream just to please her new daughter-in-law who was now telling her that she wasn't going to partake in dinner.

Anna was dumbfounded that her new mother-in-law was angry that she was born lactose-intolerant.

Joyce decided to compromise and told Anna to eat just a little bit, since it would be just a very small amount. Anna said no, and it really upsetted her. Here she was, slaving over the menu and preparing dinner for her new daughter-in-law who was so ungrateful and unappreciative. She couldn't believe how Dan could marry such a woman.

Anna was still dumbfounded and very annoyed that her mother-in-law was so clueless and was forcing her to eat something that would make her sick. She couldn't believe that someone would be so unreasonable as to get upset over a medical condition that Anna had no control over.

Dinner was awkward and stiff, and was not a good start to a new family.

Neither were really wrong, yet neither were really right. Such is the pity of life.

Last week I read this line...it said "Always remember that you are very unique...just like everybody else". It really got me laughing...and then it got me thinking.

In our quest to be unique and to find some meaning in our lives, we often lament "No one understands me". Or the younger generation would always tell the older ones "You are so outdated. No wonder we can't communicate".

The irony of the scenario is that we are actually so similar. The more we try to be different, the more similar we are to the crowd. We think we should leave a mark in this world, but the truth is that to leave your name in history, you either have to be a very cruel person, or a very saintly one. If you are cruel, you leave your name to be scorned at for generations to come. Think Hitler, for instance. If you are saintly, you leave behind your name to be raped by someone in the future who either thinks you are a fake, or takes your teachings and twist them into something evil.

I would like to be forgotten when I die. Just another name on the stone at the graveyard. Just another face staring out listlessly at the visitors who come once a year either during Cheng Beng or All Souls' day.

You know, when I visit my deceased uncle in Nilai (cemetary), I would look at my uncle's "neighbours". See what year they were born and what year they departed from the earth. Some die so young, and I wonder what their story was. Was it cancer? Or an accident maybe? Some were born before the first world war and died after the second one had ended. What had they seen? Felt? Known? Lived? What were their stories? Perhaps one day, I shall write a fictional series of short stories on these lives.

Perhaps I should do that starting from today. Then we can really see how very similar we are. We are the sand on the beach. We amount to nothing. Yet we amount to something. Different sands, yet similar in compound. Far away, yet indistinguishable when brought together. Our accomplishments, hopes and dreams amount to nothing when we go. Our lives here on earth will be like a dream when we are gone. Just another soul. Just another one. So simple...why do we complicate it all?

This weekend I shall go plant some trees. My life may be forgotten when I'm gone. But it would be nice to do something simple and happy, far far away from the crazy and meaningless dog-eat-dog world we live in.

I always thought that falling in love required a lot of effort and time to get to know a person. I had a list of criteria and needs from a partner and so, i always felt that the screening process is part of falling in love. After all, how do I love someone completely if I can't accept a certain trait?

But I was quite wrong. When I met Ye Chow, I had a long list of reasons why it could never work out between us, and why I would never love him as more than a friend. I even shared that list with my family. I knew that we would be great friends, and I knew that he was not someone I could love simply because he didn't match me in a lot of ways.

So I went along my merry way, occasionally telling him that "No, I don't want to be your girlfriend" or "No, I don't want to be your wife" whenever he brought up the subject. I told him so clearly and concisely that we were just friends, that he had almost all but given up.

And one day it hit me really really really really really really REALLY hard.

It happened to be one of those days when we were having a simple dinner in a coffeeshop after a game of badminton. I was just sitting there, eating some veggie and tofu and chatting with him. It wasn't a special dinner. It wasn't a special moment. My heart didn't beat faster, nor did I hear music in the background. In fact, I didn't even have thoughts anything like what I expected myself to have when I fall hard, you know, thoughts like "He makes me whole" or "he completes me".

In fact, all I was thinking about was how nice the moment was, having a warm meal after a tiring game. How I really liked to just sit there with him. And I didn't need anything more than that.

It was then, and only then, that it hit me. It wasn't until that moment that I truly knew what it meant to fall in love. I didn't have any overwhelming emotions. I didn't have any big efforts to put in. I just wanted to be with him, I didn't need anything more than that. I was contented just to sit there with him and watch him eat tofu (which can be rather yucky coz he tends to stuff a lot of veggie and rice into his mouth all at once). It was a very strong feeling of contentment and peace.

That was when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man I just told something like 100000 times, "We can never be more than just friends". In fact, I told the same thing to my parents! What a catastrophe!!!!!!

The first thing I did was to tell all those who needed to know that I was in love with Ye Chow. After a week of explaining to all those involved (I shall not go into the details), I finally told my parents, who were obviously very surprised. And two weeks after I told my parents, Ye Chow proposed AGAIN (without a ring). And I said "yes", knowing fully well that we had a long road ahead of us. My parents won't get over the shock easily (only 2 weeks with him and I was telling them about marriage). I would have plenty of problems with my ex. My friends would question the speed of the whole thing. And I had to meet his parents as his girl friend! AND, we had a wedding to plan on top of all that. But, it was well worth it, just to know that I could be sitting contentedly with him. I never felt as much peace before.

They said it doesn't take more than a second start falling in love. I agree and disagree. Sometimes, for people who are dense, it takes them a few months to realise it. But it takes less than a second after it hits them to make the final decision to love someone else.

That's how I fell in love anyway.

This is a classic story (Taoism) that was very well translated. I leave it here to share it with you:

Chia-Shan and his First Light
One of my favorite Zen stories is that of the Boat monk. The story teaches the dharma and illustrates the high Zen literary style.Seems that a group of monks attained some degree of the Tao under a famous Zen teacher, Master Yao-shan. One of them was Teh-cheng and his dharma brothers were Yun-men and Tao-wu. Master Teh-cheng knew he didn't have the personality to teach a large number of people or run a monastery, so he told his brothers to send him someone of exceptional talent when they found one rather than open up a teaching center himself.

As is the rule, his job would also be to transmit the dharma to a qualified student if he could find one, but without a teaching center, he had no way to attract a student. Therefore his dharma brothers would have to send someone who had the karmic affinity with Teh-cheng for awakening. So he told them, "You know where I am staying. If you find a student of sharp potential, send him to me so that I may transmit the dharma."

Years later, it just so happened that Teh-cheng's dharma brother Tao-wu was attending a lecture by a famous monk, named Chia-shan, who already had a great following. Chia-shan knew all about the dharma and was extremely eloquent. He could respond to every question with the proper words, and yet he lacked the dharma eye...he lacked any true stage of attainment. Ask him any question and he could respond with the right words ... but without the dharma eye, everything was actually wrong because it could enlighten no one. He knew the words but did not know the real meaning -- he had not achieved it.

His case was like the intellectuals today who study the Bible, Koran, Buddhist sutras, Torah, or any such book or sets of books, know all the perfect words to use so that they sound as if they are in accord with the traditional teachings, and yet everything they say lacks any touch with True Reality. Why? Because those folks have no cultivation attainment themselves. They are dogma literalists rather than enlightened sages. So while they may be intellectually brilliant they are spiritually bereft, and cannot lead anyone to liberation.

That's the state of the world. That's 99.999999999999% of teachers and religious professionals out there.

So while attending the lecture, Master Tao-wu just kept himself quiet and concealed, but he snickered when Chia-shan answered a question correctly ... in order to attract attention. After it was over, Chia-shan respectfully approached master Tao-wu and asked what mistake he had made that his elder had done so.

Tao-wu replied, "You answered correctly, it's just that you've never been taught by a good teacher. I never explain things. If you want to learn, you must go to visit the boatman's place at the city of Hau-ting (where the Boatman Monk Teh-cheng was staying)."

Now because he really was interested in self-improvement, Chia-shan set off right away. This, in itself, shows he was of extraordinary character and not too full of himself. Chia-shan was right in theory, but did not have a real experience of the dharma, yet didn't know it. He thought he was right, but also suspected that he was wrong, that he was missing something though everything he said was correct and according to the scriptures. Amazingly, he was willing to take advice and was anxious to find the answer despite already being established and having a great reputation, so off he went. Would you do that? Now at the location, the dharma brother Teh-cheng had settled into a job ferrying people across a river, and had done so for several decades waiting for a good student. No one knew of his high stage of attainment. When the young monk arrived, with one look he knew that he had been cultivating and had some ability, but needed to be awakened to a true direct experience of the dharma. He needed a real, direct experience of the Tao. He knew all the right words, the sutras, the dharma and so forth, but he was clinging to all these explanations and his conceptualizations. He had become an intellectual master rather than reality master. He could not let go of them to realize no-self, no-ego, emptiness. Therefore he had not attained the Tao.

Upon meeting young master Chia-shan, who knew all the correct words but had no direct taste of reality, Teh-cheng opened up the conversation by asking, "What temple do you dwell in, oh virtuous one?"

Chia-shan answered with words that point to the Tao, though of course he did not have that stage of attainment: "I do not dwell in a temple. Dwelling is not like it."

Why did he say this? Because the original nature is not a state, and if you dwell or abide in any state it is NOT the Tao. Chia-shan was saying he understood the Tao by answering in such a way because a regular monk would simply have mentioned the name of his city or monastery.

The boatman then asked, "It is not like what?"

Chia-shan once again correctly answered the correct intellectual response, "It is not the phenomena before our eyes." Because Chia-shan kept answering correctly, but without without possessing the true dharma experience himself, it was like someone who would respond with the right scriptural retort from the Bible ... though everything said was everything right and you could not find any fault with it, you could tell they were wrong. I'm sure you've had that experience because it is hard to explain.

A little bit disgusted at these canned responses, the Boat monk Teh-Cheng then asked, "Where did you learn all this (way of answering)?"

Chia-shan answered, "It is not something that the eyes or ears can reach," meaning it ultimately comes from the Tao. This time Chia-shan replied in such a way that you could take it as a smirk, with the hidden meaning being, "I know this and you don't? Who are you that you don't know these things?"

With that response, the Boatman monk then uttered a famous line, "A fitting sentence can be a stake that tethers a donkey for 10,000 aeons."

In other words, if you just cling to scripture, or intellectualization, or the words of this or that holy text without arriving at a genuine experience of the true meaning, if you don't experience the original nature, you will tie yourself up in ignorance (non-enlightenment) for aeons and never become free. Why? Because you cling to the intellect, in which case you are wrong. Words will not save you, scripture will not save you. Only cultivation practice and realization will save you!

How many people follow this pattern today? They quote the Torah and cling to it, all the while being correct in words, but WRONG. They cling to the Bible, reciting verses and sentences correctly, and yet they lack any attainment or any means for getting anywhere. They cling to the Koran, the Buddhist sutras, Taoist works and they are all wrong. They never fathom the meaning of the texts. They never reach enlightenment or samadhi or any genuine stage of attainment. They can talk about things all they want, but these are just intellectuals rather than spiritual leaders, people who know a lot about religious things but cannot lead you to the Tao. This is all you find today in churches, temples, mosques and monasteries. No one has the enlightenment eye, or even an inkling that it exists ... and they are even oblivious on how to get there. "

A fitting sentence can be a stake that tethers a donkey for 10,000 aeons" -- Master Teh-cheng was saying that Chia-shan was clinging to the dharma and relying on verbal tricks, and that this was stupid. It would get you absolutely nowhere on the path of true spiritual practice and striving and progress. It was just mental games, verbal tricks and memorization. REAL accomplishment comes from the cultivation practice of letting go and detaching from the realm of mentation to get to the substrate underneath it and EVERTHING. "

A fitting sentence can be a stake that tethers a donkey for 10,000 aeons" ... Chia-shan was stunned at this reply.

Zen master Teh-cheng then said, "The fishing line is hanging down a thousand feet, and the intent is deep in the pond. You're just three inches away from the hook. Why don't you say something?"

He was saying, "You've done so much meditation work your life and are so close you're ready to reach it. Why not say something expressing your original nature?" Chia-shan was standing there, his mind emptied a bit because of the shock, and was just about to say something intellectual again when the Boat monk hit him with his oar and knocked him into the water.

Wham!

Chia-shan had just been ready to open his mouth again and say something that was in the scriptures when the Boat monk knocked the daylights out of him and he flew into the water.

As soon as Chia-shan's head popped up above the water again, the Boat monk once again shouted, "Speak! Speak!" and just as Chia-shan was about to open his mouth again, Wham! ... the Boat monk hit him again.

Now if you've had any sudden taste of emptiness where everything empties out (a religious experience), you can understand what happened next. Here's a man with a belly full of learning and it's all suddenly knocked out of him. He's been thrown into the water, he's worried for his life, and all his false thoughts have been whacked away.

That's the method the Boat monk used with Chia-shan.

Chia-shan could talk about anything in the dharma ... Consciousness only, the three Buddha bodies, skandhas, True Thusness, prajna wisdom, EVERYTHING. He understand all this but couldn't let go of it, so the Boat monk knocked him into the water to help him let go of everything he was clinging to. Even so, when asked to speak, Chia-shan was ready to spit out the dead scriptural words again, so Teh-cheng hit him again. When for the third time his head rose above the water, this time his mind had emptied out and he and become enlightened, so Chia-shan quickly nodded his head three times in quick succession to show Teh-cheng he had got it and he didn't need to be hit again.

Of course you cannot just hit someone to enlighten them. Don't think it's so easy. Chia-shan not only KNEW the dharma intellectually, but had spent his life meditating and had achieved some degree of emptiness, but just couldn't let go of his intellectualizations to see the path, to see the whole thing. He was close because of his previous attainments in meditation, but still clinging. He already had achieved a deep basis of cultivation beyond just studying, because of prolonged meditation work, and that basis is why Tao-wu sent him to the Boat monk. He was prepared....don't think someone can just whack you or slap you and you get it. Without countless years of meditation work, that would just get you a lawsuit today.

Master Teh-cheng was able to transmit the dharma only because Chia-shan had already spent years mixing practice with study. Master Teh-cheng was able, through the expedient means of whacking him, to help Master Chia-shan let go of everything and see the Path, see the Tao, realize self-enlightenment. If Master Chia-shan had not been a meditator, however, none of this would have been possible. So don't think that just studying scriptures and sutras -- of any kind -- will do it. You have to do the meditation work, open up your chi channels, chakras and so forth. You have to cultivate samadhi, but none of that is the Tao. It's just a preparation because those are all still illusory realms and false stations. They are not ultimate or supreme. They are there to help you clear out in a progressive sense, but when you reach enlightenment there are no stages -- you just let go of everything in one fell swoop. That's why it's called breaking through the conception skandha.

Upon being hit with the oar when in the water, Chia-shan GOT IT. His years of preparation and study, together with the Boatman's excellent skillful means, enabled him to let go, empty out and see the Tao. If you know the theory, that's why the story is so beautiful, so wonderful. But then, while still in the water, Chia-shan asked, "If you throw away the hook and line, what is your intent, teacher?"

In other words, Chia-shan then had doubts and asked about functioning. He was asking, "What about the methods for making an effort in the realm of existence if everything is empty... What do you do about them?"

Master Teh-cheng replied, "The fishing line hangs in the water, floating to set the meaning of existence and non-existence." In other words, don't talk of emptiness and don't talk of existence. Neither is right, and thus you don't cling to either and you can do what you want independently. You are free and liberated. Cause and effect still operates amidst phenomena, but you do not cling to them or the process. You realize the inherent fundamental emptiness of phenomena but you do not cling to it either. You are independent and free.

Master Chia-shan then said, "Words carry the mystery but they have no road. The tongue speaks without speaking." In other words, speaking is the same as non-speaking, emptiness and existence are equivalent to one another.

Master Teh-cheng was VERY happy at hearing this because then he knew Chia-shan had got it. He knew that Chia-shan had finally realized the Truth and was speaking from experience rather than from some scripture he had memorized and studied. So Teh-cheng then said, "After having fished through all these rivers [having piloted this ferry day after day for decades wanting to carry someone over to the other side], I have finally encountered a golden carp [enlightened person].

Chia-shan covered his ears at hearing this, and master Teh-shan said in response, "That's right, that's right!"

Then he told Chia-shan, "From now on you must leave no tracks where you hide yourself. But you must not hide yourself where there are no tracks."

He expressed in a high literary style many meanings: that Chia-shan must continually cultivate that state of no-thought/emptiness he had just achieved wherein there are no tracks. Furthermore, he must go somewhere where no one knew who he was, and leave his fame behind, and thus go into hiding in order to finish his cultivation. He also said that Chia-shan must not remain clinging to emptiness either, for that was also wrong.

The Boat monk then continued, "I was with Zen master Yao-shan for 30 years and I only took away this which you have just experienced/realized. Nothing more. You have just attained it. This is the meaning of all the teachings and nothing more. It's nothing else either than experientially realizing this. In the future you should not live in towns or villages but go deep into the mountains, find one or two people to continue the teaching and do not let it be cut off."

Chia-shan was out of the water by this time, and since the dharma had been transmitted, he started off to return home. The whole thing happened just this quickly, the dharma had been passed, and there was nothing more to be done. But for a moment Master Chia-shan doubted that was all and so he turned around, wandering if there was something else he was missing, if it all came to just this?

Upon seeing this, Zen master Teh-cheng shouted back to him, holding up an oar and saying, "Did you think there was something else?" Then he capsized the boat and disappeared under the water to show there was nothing else. You see, if you cling to all the pageantry of Tibetan Buddhism, you are wrong. It's just an expedient method created to help you REALIZE THIS. If you cling to the Torah or Bible, you are wrong. It's just to help you lay a foundation so you can experientially realize this. Nothing in the universe is absolute. The wind, the rocks, the flowers are all singing the dharma to help you awaken.

The meaning of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, Sikhism, Taoism, Confucianism, yoga, alchemy and all the religions is to realize our fundamental nature. All the ceremonies, scriptures, prayers, and practices are to enable you to experientially realize THIS. That's the purpose of all the scriptures.

What else did you think it was about? Some ceremony or special belief?

Now you finally know. Cultivate!

Imagine you are a young 16 year-old walking through a HUGE field of red flowers. After about 10 steps, you see an extra-large red flower. You are very attracted to it. You bend to pick it, but you find it has thorns. So you give up on the idea.


You continue walking along and come across a cute yellow flower with 3 petals. You bend to pick it. You feel happy holding onto a nice flower. You continue walking and after about a mile, the flower started to smell funny. You ignore the smell, but it gets worse and worse, so eventually you toss it away. Now you are flowerless.


You continue walking and walking and find another flower, this time blue with six petals. You happily pick it up. But after walking a bit, you find that you don't like the colour blue after all. After walking amidst flowers for so long, you have come to decide you prefer white flowers with five petals. So you toss your blue flower away and begin searching for the flower you have in mind.


You walk everywhere, looking left and right. After roughly 20 miles of walking, you finally found the flower that fits your expectation. Happily you pick it up. It even smells great. It is a large flower with 5 perfect petals. You continue your journey across the field of flowers, convinced that you have the right one. As you walk and walk, the flower begins to wilt. But it still looks ok, and you think you may be able to make it back home in time to save it by putting it into a vase. So you begin to run. The hot sun beats down and your flower is wilting faster than you can run. You are so desperate that you try to provide it with some of your saliva to extend its lifespan. Unfortunately, it dried up and shriveled. You continue holding on to it, hoping that it will go back to being the wonderful flower it was. But after walking for another 30miles, you realise that it is futile. What you could have done, you already did, and it didn't stop the flower from wilting. Perhaps it is better to let it go.


Dejected, you placed the dead flower on the ground where you are standing and pick up the closest flower you can find. The flower is reddish, with pink tips on each of the six petals. You continue walking across the huge field, holding the new flower. You walk and walk and walk and as you are making your way to the end of the field, you start thinking about the floweryou just picked. You don't really like red. You don't mind pink. But you are making this journey with this flower because you want to have a flower. It feels wrong. Eventually, after 20 miles of journeying with the red flower, you let it go.


Now you decide that maybe none of the flowers are worth bringing home, or maybe you are just not very good at keeping flowers in your hand. You press on, hoping to eventually get off the field. After another 20 miles of non-stop walking, you take a short break. As you sit there, you notice another white flower with 5 petals nearby. It didn't look anything like the earlier white flower but you like it anyway. You stare at it for a while, and then you pluck it and hold it in your hand. Then you continue along your journey.


The long journey across the field continues, but you found new ways of keeping the flower alive. Your efforts work well with the flower, and it bloomed. When you finally reach the end of the field, you don't really notice.

Two monks had to travel to the nearest town to buy some supplies for their temple. Since their temple was quite secluded, they had left their temple at around four in the morning. They walked slowly to the town, and arrived at 10am. After buying all that was needed for their temple, they started making their way back around 11.

One hour into their journey home, they came across a river. They decided to stop for a while to take a short break. They drank their water and sat down next to the river to rest their tired legs. Just then, a young lady walked towards them. She was a beautiful lady, with fair porcelain-like skin and willowy body. She looked distressed. She wanted to cross the river, but she did not know how to swim! So the elder monk told her to climb onto his back and he will carry her across. She was still apprehensive that the river might sweep her away when they are crossing. So he told her to hold on tight to him.

As they were crossing the river, the second monk, a young chap, looked over at the elder monk. He was aghast to see the young lady holding so tightly to his companion, who also happened to be his superior in the temple. Her body was pressed onto the elder monk’s back and her bosom was pushed up onto the neck of the man. His face was so very close to her bosom! This was unacceptable!!! As monks, they were not supposed to touch women! And here his mentor is practically making love to the young lady!

Just then, they reached to the other side of the river. The elder monk set the young lady onto her feet. She thanked him, and continued along her journey. The two monks went a different direction from her, back to their temple. As they continued their walk back, the younger monk kept thinking about how the lady and the elder monk held on to each other as they crossed the river. The elder monk is such a corrupt monk! He is a lecherous man! All his teachings were tainted, as he couldn’t even keep to the most basic of rules which was to stay away from women!

The more the younger monk thought about it, the angrier he became. He started questioning everything the else monk had been doing up to that moment. He was repulsed by all the words and interaction they have had. He couldn’t imagine going on as a apprentice monk under the supervision of such a man. As they approached the temple gates, he turned to the elder monk and told him that he wanted to change superiors.

The elder monk was very surprised. He had thought they were doing well, and could not understand why the younger monk wanted to change superiors all of the sudden. The younger monk, his face red with anger and embarrassment for the elder monk, told him that he was very improper to carry the young lady that way. It was not right, it was against their teachings, and it showed his weakness and lust for women!

The elder monk looked at his student compassionately. “I had put the young lady down by the river four hours ago,” he said, “But you have carried her until now. What a pity!”

I had a dream a few weeks ago. I dreamt i died.



I was walking amidst my love ones, and they could not see me. I was looking for Ye Chow, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I wanted to say goodbye.



I saw my cousin. And strangely enough, even though no one else could see me, he could. He was not afraid of me. Instead, he talked to me for a while in a rectangular garden. Finally, Ye Chow came and I managed to see him. I went to him and he could also see me. We were sad, and we said our goodbyes but my cousin stopped me from leaving. He said to me, "Since you and Ye Chow can still see each other and speak to each other, why don't you stay on Earth with him until it is time for him to go? That way you can always be together and you don't have to wait."



I then told my cousin:



"Time is an illusion that only exists in this Earth.



I turned to Ye Chow and said:



"I will wait for you. When it is your time, I will be there. You will know it is me when you see me."



Somehow, in my mind, I knew that I would not have the same form. Yet whatever form I would take, I knew that he would recognize me when we meet even thought we will look nothing like what we do now. Time is neither long nor short, fast nor slow. It is just a boundary that will no longer exist when we are no longer bounded to this earth.



After that, I said goodbye and faded into the light.



I woke up some time later.



It was indeed a very strange dream.

* * * *



I had another strange dream a couple of nights after that. I dream Ye Chow died.



I dreamt that I was now with another man, my ex, and we were getting married (in my case, I was re-marrying). His parents and brother questioned me, and was wondering if I was ready to move on. His brother's words went something like this: "What if you still love Ye Chow and can't let go?"



I said to them:



"There is nothing to let go. He may be gone, but he lives in me. Not in memory, not in my heart, but in me. I am who I am, because of who he was. The person you see before you today is a consequence of the person Ye Chow was. He speaks in my voice when I am speaking, and I see him in myself in everyday situations. You do not let go of love and memories in order to move on. If you try, you will always be running around with your shadow chasing you, never really letting go of the past and never really moving on. Instead, I accept it, and allow it to be absorbed into my life. And then I move on.



I will always love him, even though I am with someone else. I don't see the conflict. For whoever who loves me today, indirectly loves him. And whoever I can love, is indirectly the person Ye Chow would also be able to love. The idea of "Two" does not exist anymore. He has already left this world. Why do you subject him to the same rules and boundaries as those of us who are still living on this Earth? It no longer applies to him."

* * * *



For some strange reason, this thought stayed with me until I woke up. And for some strange reason, it was like logic to me, or it seemed like I was merely stating facts when I was speaking to others in my dreams. The "facts" of the two above dreams stayed in my mind for a long time after. I have not have dreams since then.

This post was taken and modified from my friend's blog. I found his reflection so profound and touching that I just had to re-port it. Enjoy.
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Last night I had a vision. I saw Mars in the sky with the constellations.

To an uninitiated caveman, the Mars is indeed very close to the rest of the stars in the clear night sky. So....high up. But the truth is (still is at the time of publishing) that the Earth is closer to that planet (Mars). We are so close to the it until we cannot recognize it and give it a different name.

High and low, far and near are all trickeries of restless mind. The more restless the mind, the more differentiation it sees from the world. Therefore I believe that the heaven is a very flat place. The heavenly ground is paved by unbreakable crystals with infinite smoothness. The roads in the heaven are all broad and straight. No pretense and all very accommodating. I want to go on to plant six kind of trees and flowers by the road side so that birds can sing on it, but I need to get back to work ...........




...........may be next time.

Reflections on the past always reveal who we are. When we reflect, we somehow have a tendency of looking back on the bad stuff in our lives and highlighting them. I have heard so many complaints from friends throughout my life. They tell me about their families, the lack of love they were receiving, the lack of understanding and bond, as well as comments on how their siblings were better loved and cared for. The eldest child always felt as if they were picked upon, they had more responsibilities and their younger siblisngs are spoilt and more loved. The middle child always felt neglected. And the youngest child always felt judged, or that they had to measure up or was looked down upon.



All the above are very trivial when you look back on it. We always swear that we would never inflict what had happened to us on our children. We always think we would be better parents. Yet I feel a sense of deep compassion and sympathy for such thoughts, for if we have such a reflection, we had not grown from our experiences.



We reflect and feel sad and lonely for all the pain we went through. But we have reflected on the wrong things. We only perceived how others made us feel. If we look deeper, there is something in us that causes the pain, anger, sadness and utter loneliness. It is our inabilities, our fallicies as selfish humans. Yes, it is selfishness. It is the need to put ourselves the centre of our universe whether or not we realise it. We feel neglected because we expect to get loving attention. We hurt because we expect to have equal or better treatment than our siblings. We are angry because our expectations are not met, or exceeded.



Nothing is free. A wise man once said that there is no such thing as a free lunch. When you get more attention and coddling, chances are you also get less freedom because you always have attention on you. You want to break free of your siblings' shadows but it is never easy. When you are given more responsibilties and forced to grow up faster, you may get less attention and coddling. But what you get in return is trust, freedom to make decisions and freedom to find yourselves. Yet we want it all. We want freedom and we want attention. We want love and trust, but we also want to push our parents and families away when it suits us to do so.



Sound familiar? Not true, we argue. We had it worse, no one understands what we went through. Perhaps no one understands. Perhaps it is because we were not starving to death, a victim of abuse or dying of a disease that no one is paying any attention, or sympathy or coming up with a cure for the void we feel in our lives. But there IS a cure.



Prayer. My strongest prayer, I feel, is when I run out of words. I just sit there and feel. I feel the world around me, I hear the world around me and with my eyes shut, I know the world around me also. If i concentrate hard enough, I begin to feel the emotions of the world around me. So much eagerness. So many people searching for something. So much sadness. Yet I feel the thoroughness of God and His compassion. When I pray with peace in my heart, I am closer to Him than all the times I pray with a sense of urgency in my heart. It is those times I let go of myself.



Those times, I understand why we need to praise God. It isn't about asking God for kindness and blessings. It isn't even about telling God about pain or happiness, greatness and smallness. It is about remembering how small, how little, and how humble we are. It is about realising how mighty, large and absolute God is. As I am overwhelmed by the "Bigness" of God, and I realise that all this pain and sadness means nothing. It is not about me. When I let go of Self, I let go of the pain. When I let go of my importance to myself, I let go of the anger inside of me. I am unimportant. I am humbled.



There is no more need to prove myself. No more need to compare with others. There is no more need to be loved "more". There is no more need for career success, branded shoes or bags, designer clothes and expensive cars to show one's self-worth. There is no more pain.



All that exists in the path of happiness and fulfillment is to be. To simply just be. That is all. I do hope you can understand the meaning of these words

Karma. Is it real?

We have been bombarded with so many movies on karma, that it has become some sort of a storyline. It barely seems real. Yet recently, I experienced something so profound and so real, that I begin to marvel at the awesome power of God. If you have the time, do read the following story :)

Someone I know (lets call them Mr. and Mrs. A) runs a business of managing an old folk's home in Australia. Since the home is partly owned by the government, they get loads of government subsidy. Now, the old folks who go there put around $200,000 as a guaruntee, on top of their payment to the home. When they die, the money is supposed to be paid to their family members. What Mr and Mrs A do is to keep the money and not return it after the death of the old folks in their care. When family members request for the money, they get hostile, put a lot of paperwork between them and the money and generally make it hell for anyone to get the money back.

They then take the money and spend it on their own. In recent years, they got so greedy that they started to water down the milk and juices. They buy cars and bill it to the company. They never spend a cent on household items. Instead, they bill everything to the company. As a result, they have become filthy rich. WHen they left Malaysia, they had practically nothing. Now they are multi-millionaires.

But are they happy?

Mrs. A spent a lot of money buying her doctor son an apartment in the heart of Melbourne, and a BMW 3 series. Her younger son got jealous, so she bought him an apartment as well, and a BMW Z3. Now her elder doctor son is very jealous as he felt he "suffered" more than his brother but his brother has a better apartment and car. Mr. A is forever suspicious of people cheating him and goes hysterical every time he finds a little money missing. He once caused an uproar in a bank because they charged him $2.00 for service.

Mr. A beats his wife regularly. He has a problem with anger and abuse. His sons suffer from depression and abusiveness. His doctor son has a massive self-esteem problem, and always seems to point out that he is a doctor, he drives a BMW and owns an apartment to prove that he is a wonderful man. He can't seem to ever admit his mistakes and for that reason, he has become some sort of a loner who is suspicious of everyone he meets in his life.

Why has this happened?

I experience this huge wave of pity and compassion for them. Upon learning to cheat and fraud, they have become money-obsessed. Yet all the money in the world cannot satisfy them. They are suspicious of everyone, they are envious of each other and they are such angry people without even realising why. Handling too much money became such a temptation that they couldn't keep their hands off it. Yet by yielding to temptation, their sadness increased day by day.

That money was really cursed. It was cursed from the beginning not because of some "ghost" haunting them. It was cursed the moment their characters became moulded into one with it. Perhaps prior to that, they already had a "seed" in them, a seed of greed and envy just like the rest of us. But they were put in an environment where that seed had a chance to grow, and now it has taken over their lives and their sons lives as well. And maybe even their future grandchildren's lives. So much sadness, tension and anger propagate from parent to child and I despair that they will ever find happiness. For they define happiness in terms of wealth, status, the clothes they wear, the car they drive, the place they stay in, the jobs they are working, and the life that they lead.

Karma. This is what it is. They say bad things happen when you do evil. SOme say God is unfair, for those who cheat and lie seem to do a lot better than honest folks. But we are only looking at the surface. For on the surface, Mr and Mrs A look so wonderful, they stay in a big house, drive a big car, have successful sons who also stay in big apartments and drive big cars. They are always smiling, they dress well, they have vacation homes in countrysides. But under all that "happiness" they are suspicious, angry and insecure. Imagine not being able to trust anyone. Imagine always feeling so angry that your partner isn't living up to your expectations. Imagine always feeling frustrated that you are not driving an even better car and staying in an even bigger house. Imagine meeting just about anyone and thinking "this person is playing tricks and mind games" or "this person is attacking me". That is really Hell on Earth.