Turtle Channel!!!

I read this off the bulletin board in my friendster account recently, and decided to post it on my blog with my comments appended on each statement:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30seconds flat.
Why the heck do you bother with a phone call then? Morons, and liars. You never call. You simply type in a 3 word sms like "Free for dinner?" or "Will be late" without any proper invitation for a date, or a proper explanation on WHY you are going to be late, HOW LATE are you going to be etc. Worse of all are your stupid sms responses to our questions like "Ok" or "Yes" or "No" without giving any explanation on WHY yes, WHY no or what opinions you have in your completely uncomplex brain other than "OK". WHY DO WE EVEN DATE YOU NEANDERTHALS???? *ah, glad to have gotten than off my chest -.-" *

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Believe me, we girls are happy movie nudity is virtually always females. You honestly think we wanna see a hairy butt on the telly? Unless of course, it's Brad Pitt.

3. You know stuff about tanks.
Oh yeah right. Just like you know stuff about airplanes and guns right? All crap. Just put smart female scientist there and she'll find out you actually know nothing about tanks and airplanes and guns. You only know how to BS. Big time.

4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You KNOW should only carry one suitcase. Otherwise you won't have enough hands to carry our 3 other suitcases.

5. Sunday Night Football.
Well. We. enjoy. football. too. Besides, not all of you watch sports, so this statement is WAYYYY TOOO alpha male :P

6. You don't have to monitor yourfriends' sex lives.
Yeah, right. As if you don't try to monitor your female friends' sex lives!

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Ok. I concede this one.

8. You can open all your own jars.
So can we. We just ask you to do it. You, being so proud of being able to open all your own jars, are after all, just an over-glorified jar-opener. I'm glad you're proud of your abilities. Jar-opener.

9. Old friends don't give a crapwhether you've lost or gained weight.
They just pretend not to care in front of you to be polite. Your nick-name is Fat-a$$. Or Stickman. And don't pretend you don't care about being teased on your weight. We females know that is not true. How many times have I had a chubby guy expressed his hurt to me because of his weight? You alpha males pretend not to care. Yeah right. We know better.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don'trob you blind.
You only ASSUME they don't rob you blind. Enuff said.

11. When clicking through the channels,you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
Yeah, but you do have to stall at every shot of someone getting shot at. Or a bomb going off. Or a female stripping. Or at the sight of blood splattered all over the scene. Or at the commercial of the McLaren-Mercedez. Or at the sight of Angelina Jolie. Or at at any and every car chase scene.

12. Your butt is never a factor in jobinterviews.
Hey, we use that factor to our advantage! And you can't! Hahaha, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

13. All your orgasms are real.
No wonder you are always so exhausted.

14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
No, but you will get nagged at everyday of your life by your gf/wife/female friend until you will wish you are invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into theboards).
Talking about sexual and physical assault is not funny.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
Lucky you. That's why you should stay single. Otherwise you will be carrying our bag of useful stuff for us.

17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
........

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Wow, you can do this without a support group, but if you are asked to wash the bathroom, you need a support group. This is so .... sad...

19. Your last name stays put.
That's only because we females have a better perscpetive on things. You keep your last name, we keep your monthly salary. It's a pretty good deal if you ask me. And the best thing is that you actually fall for it. Every. Single. Time.

20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
So what? I even leave my own bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, youdon't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
...Fine. You got me here.

22. You can kill your own food.
Oh yeah? And who was the scadery cat who joined me up on the table when we saw that cockroach?

23. The garage is all yours.
The joke's on you, mate. We don't HAVE a garage!

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You also get a lot of nagging for your constant act of thoughtlessness.

25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.
You actually watched that movie? I am astounded!

26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
No, but everyone secretly wonders whether you chew.

27. You never have to clean a toilet.
You can't help being incapable of being clean. Never mind, just hand over your wallet and we'll call a maid service to clean your disgusting toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready to goin 10 minutes. YUP!!!!
And we end up looking hotter than you. YUP!!

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Ok, you win on this count...

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
We don't really mind if you're paying big bucks for it.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
True only for some guys. I have met guys who actually got very upset about this. Should we start labeling them as females from now on?

32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
But they don't make you look sexy to us. Have you seen what OUR underwear can do to you?

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
...Paedophiles...

34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
Wait, you forget. Sometimes you don't even shave above the neck.

35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
No, but they have the power to make you punch a hole in the wall and fracture your wrist. Personally I prefer the alternative.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
Ah, so you know how un-sexy your hairy butt really is. So stop complaining if we refuse to have sex with your hair butt. Isn't it obvious?

37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
If that is happening, don't be too pleased yet. It's probably because no one from the opposite gender notices you. You are invisible!

38. You can write your name in the snow.
As if that is what you really do. Admit it. We all know you piss your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
Yuck. I think I'll pass this one.

40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Really? So why are you ultra sensitive about your pimples?

41. Chocolate is just another snack.
Arrgghhh. I hate you.

42. You can be president. (In thislifetime.)
Ahahahaha!!! You??? Yeah right, you wish. You're no where closer than where I sit.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Are you kidding me? Who is the bugger in the passenger seat who keep freaking out everytime I overtake another car?

44. Flowers fix everything.
Of course. Because it means you had just spent 50 bucks on something that will die the next day. Hahahaha, we women love to make you throw your money away.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
If this is true, it means you are probably not going to get much sex from your gf/wife unless you keep changing partners constantly. Or it means you are going to have to buy a lot of 44

46. You get to think about sex 90% ofyour waking hours.
Why do you want to do that? It's not like you're getting it 90% of your waking hours. If you are, you're going to die by the age of 38.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
So can we. You just won't allow us to

48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
...........

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
erm. Why do you want to do that?

50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
Well, that is true.