Turtle Channel!!!

In the age of consumerism, we start making many BIG, BAD etiquette decisions simply because of our inabilities to detach ourselves from what we want. The bride wants the dream wedding she always wanted, to be showered with the many beautiful presents she expects to get on her big day, a dream house to return to etc etc. BUT she forgets that the people attending her wedding may not want to spend all that money and time. What is a big day to her, may not be a big day to others. The trouble with consumerism is that we get so caught up with the getting, that we forget all the other constraints involved such as other peoples feelings, opinions, thoughts and hearts.

The following are 2 true stories written by people irritated with the bride-to-be:

I was copied on a mass email sent by my future SIL the other day, and it's taken me this long to recover and post about it. The first sentence wasn't so bad, but it waaaay downhill from there. The second paragraph notes when/where the bridal shower is, then goes on to say where they are registered, but that "of course, cash and gift cards are always welcome!" As if that wasn't bad enough, the next paragraph goes on to talk about the bachelorette party SHE's planning (um, no) and that she wants to have a Pure Romance party and everyone needs to bring her "naughty" gifts. That is just so not an image I want in my head. Then it gets even worse. The wedding and the reception are two hours away from each other, which is bad enough, but then she goes on to state that one of the highlights of the reception will be opening gifts from those unable to attend the shower, like "Bob's" (my BIL's) family who are all from out of town! My jaw hit the floor when I read all of this. I don't think the entire library of Miss Manners books could make a dent in this girl.

Exhibit 2: The Greedy AND Selfish Bride
NOTE: MOH = maid of honour, MOB = mother of bride
This was waiting for me in the mail when I got home today. The shower is being held for the daughter of my mothers best friend. It is her second marriage. I was guilted into babysitting for her a couple of summers ago (and she still owes me $70 but that's another story). Anyway I got an invitation to her bridal shower. This is the part of the invitation that nearly made me choke when I read it.

"We are having a room by room shower! Let's help John and Jane decorate their beautiful new house! You have been assigned the master bath. Jane's colors for this room are chocolate brown and cream. Please bring bath towels in these colors."

Well I immediately called my mom to see if she had gotten an invitation, she had. She was assigned the master bedroom and was told to bring sheets for a queen sized bed in pale blue.
You want to know the best part of this? Mom had spoken with the MOH when she called to RSVP and the MOH was so proud that she had talked the bride out of including registry cards on with invitations because "that just looks so tacky!". Evidently MOH and bride came up with this idea together in order to avoid duplicate gifts and to make sure the bride got what she wanted.

I figure I'll let her keep the $70 she owes me as her wedding gift and it's such a shame that I can't get the day off work so I can come to her shower.

From what I understand they came up with this in place of a registry because they thought registries were tacky. I don't understand the logic behind that but OK. My mom is going for her friend (who is really a very lovely lady and was horrified when she found out what her daughter was planning). The shower is next Saturday (yeah I know, really short notice) so I'll be able to find out everything that went on.

So I talked with my mom this morning, she took the MOB out to dinner last night, she is just sick about the whole wedding and this shower idea but has already had so many fights with the bride and groom and MOH about the wedding that she is not willing to fight with them about this. This is just a bit of background information on the wedding and all the drama involved in it. Keep in mind this is the brides second marriage, the grooms third.
The fireworks started when the bride and groom discovered that neither set of parents were willing to contribute money towards the wedding. Well there were many temper tantrums, tears, threats of never being able to see their grandchild again (and that was just from the groom you should have seen how the bride acted). Finally just to keep the peace the MOB agreed to contribute some money towards their wedding, the grooms parents are standing firm that they will not be contributing anything.

Then the fights over the wedding itself began. The bride wants this to be a very lavish event. She has six bridesmaids and two flower girls, is going to be wearing a big poufy white dress, floor length veil, the whole works. She is having the wedding and reception in Boise which is about a five hour drive from the town where their families live. Reason? She couldn't find anything in our town that was fancy enough for her. Her mom suggested that maybe things were getting too elaborate for a second wedding and they should tone it down a bit but she was accused of trying to ruin the brides day and was also accused of trying to punish the bride for her failed first marriage and that was the reason she didn't want her to have a nice wedding. Every time she suggested something a little less expensive or less elaborate she ended up getting in a fight with either the MOH or the bride and groom. So she just stopped trying to help at all and just wrote the bride a check and washed her hands of the whole thing.

Now about the shower. The MOH wanted the MOB to host it at a rather expensive restaurant (and pay for it of course). MOB finally put her foot down and said she would have nothing to do with a shower for the wedding. Well MOH and bride pitched a royal fit but MOB stands firm on this. Well then MOH and bride descended on his mom and tried to bully her into paying for a fancy shower. She refused and so the bride is no longer on speaking terms with either mom.
MOB is already getting calls from her family as they get their invitations, this is just some of the things they have been told to bring, stainless steel kitchen appliances, power tools (cause ya know the groom would just be crushed if he didn't get shower presents too), kitchen towels in red or black, a down comforter, and this is the best one, bed linens for the brides daughters bedroom which is being decorated in a Disney Princess theme.


Dear GOD, what has happened here? Why do people fight with each other and create so much anger, tension and hurt over an event that is supposed to celebrate love? Why has materialism and consumerism taken over all the most joyous and sacred of events such as weddings and christmasses? What has happened?

By focusing only on themselves and what they hope to gain, they have lost their ability to give love.

Starting out on a new life with a new partner is already challenging. Throwing in the disagreements, tension and fights about the wedding day prior only makes things worse. It is easy to lose perspective of what is really important once you get into the groove of wanting a day for yourself. The planning which started as a happy occasion, became an extension of the ego, and unconsciously, the loving became the selfish. They may think: “What’s wrong? It’s only for one day. They can’t even give me this little on ONE occasion? Stingy ba$tard$! Can’t even chip in for my wedding? Selfish a$$hoes!”.

What’s worse is that a selfish person is incapable of seeing themselves as selfish. Instead, they see others as selfish for not giving.

So what are the 5 things you should know?

1. Try to remember WHY you are getting married.
   Is it for the presents or the big event? Is it for the diamond and new house? The party? The feeling-like-a-princess-for-day experience? If these are your reasons, by all means, irritate the hell out of your guests and relatives. Because congratulations, you are a DIVA and your marriage will end like the many DIVAS in Hollywood – divorce. With a whole bunch of people saying “I knew it was coming”.
   
   You are marrying to be with HIM. The man who will spend the rest of his life with you. The love of your life. And this ceremony doesn’t change your love for him, or the wedding day. You just want to be with him. So don’t get caught up with the wedding plans and forget the marriage. It’s like planning for a big battle, and forgetting the war ahead of you.



2. You may need to rethink what a perfect wedding means
   A lot of brides forget themselves while planning the big day. They want perfection. They EXPECT perfection. They EXPECT presents. They EXPECT everything to be done THEIR way. It’s MY DAY, I want the perfect day! Is this too much to ask? Don’t ruin MY DAY!!! Well, you can demand, and you may even get what you demand. But you are going to lose someone else’s respect. You are paying with your reputation. Remember that other people may have their own way of doing things, which may not coincide with your idea of perfection, but may not be a bad thing either. Don’t go hysterical over having the “wrong coloured candles”.



3. You don’t need to be showered with gifts
   Gone are the days when people accepted gifts with gratitude. Now we have wish-lists and even people going so far as to dictate what presents you should get them. Do you want guests there for the presents that they give to you, or do you just want to share the special day with them? Isn’t a wedding all about the love and union between 2 people? If you want an elaborate wedding, that is fine, but it isn’t a good thing when you are expecting someone else to pay for your extravagance, or for guests to bring you great presents. Pay your own way, and just enjoy your guests. Having your expensive dream wedding at another person’s expense is nice, no doubt about that. It’s the ultimate victory in consumerism – to get something for nothing. However what you don’t lose out in terms of money, you will eventually lose out in terms of your relationship with the other person. And that’s something even money cannot buy back.


4. Include your partner in your plans.
   
   Many brides tend to neglect their partner in their plans. They have this huge dream, whereby the man is not required to give any input. In some cases, any input from him is not appreciated. He is supposed to just attend and is only an accessory in the wedding. Just picture this conversationà Groom: “I don’t think we should spend 300 bucks on doves only to release them at the end of the day.” Bride: “Did I even ask you? We ARE having the doves and your mother has already agreed to it, so be a good son and husband and obey!” So what is he? It’s HIS wedding day too! Include him, and make this an affair between the two of you. You may have to compromise some of your dreams to include some of his practicalities, but you what you lose in terms of “dreams” will be invested in your marriage. You are working as a couple! What you gain is far better than a dream: it’s a beautiful reality. What’s the point of having a beautiful dream and an ugly reality?



5. Your guests prefer to see love, not grandeur
   
   Trying to outdo any other wedding anyone else has ever attended before is a great goal. You want to make this a day they will remember. They may even be talking about your wedding in months to come! Great goal, but could you do it in another occasion, like your birthday party? Because in your wedding, your wonderful guests would probably want to see the loving couple unite. What could be more memorable than having the bride and groom so completely in love with each other and glowing with happiness? When you see 2 young lovers sharing in the beauty of new love, the candles, cakes, décor and rooms are all forgotten. You only see love, and share in that love. And perhaps if you have enough love for each other, it will shine out and remind other older couples of their love for their spouses. A beautiful wedding ceremony is not the one with best entertainment. It’s the one where the love is pure.