I always thought that falling in love required a lot of effort and time to get to know a person. I had a list of criteria and needs from a partner and so, i always felt that the screening process is part of falling in love. After all, how do I love someone completely if I can't accept a certain trait?
But I was quite wrong. When I met Ye Chow, I had a long list of reasons why it could never work out between us, and why I would never love him as more than a friend. I even shared that list with my family. I knew that we would be great friends, and I knew that he was not someone I could love simply because he didn't match me in a lot of ways.
So I went along my merry way, occasionally telling him that "No, I don't want to be your girlfriend" or "No, I don't want to be your wife" whenever he brought up the subject. I told him so clearly and concisely that we were just friends, that he had almost all but given up.
And one day it hit me really really really really really really REALLY hard.
It happened to be one of those days when we were having a simple dinner in a coffeeshop after a game of badminton. I was just sitting there, eating some veggie and tofu and chatting with him. It wasn't a special dinner. It wasn't a special moment. My heart didn't beat faster, nor did I hear music in the background. In fact, I didn't even have thoughts anything like what I expected myself to have when I fall hard, you know, thoughts like "He makes me whole" or "he completes me".
In fact, all I was thinking about was how nice the moment was, having a warm meal after a tiring game. How I really liked to just sit there with him. And I didn't need anything more than that.
It was then, and only then, that it hit me. It wasn't until that moment that I truly knew what it meant to fall in love. I didn't have any overwhelming emotions. I didn't have any big efforts to put in. I just wanted to be with him, I didn't need anything more than that. I was contented just to sit there with him and watch him eat tofu (which can be rather yucky coz he tends to stuff a lot of veggie and rice into his mouth all at once). It was a very strong feeling of contentment and peace.
That was when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man I just told something like 100000 times, "We can never be more than just friends". In fact, I told the same thing to my parents! What a catastrophe!!!!!!
The first thing I did was to tell all those who needed to know that I was in love with Ye Chow. After a week of explaining to all those involved (I shall not go into the details), I finally told my parents, who were obviously very surprised. And two weeks after I told my parents, Ye Chow proposed AGAIN (without a ring). And I said "yes", knowing fully well that we had a long road ahead of us. My parents won't get over the shock easily (only 2 weeks with him and I was telling them about marriage). I would have plenty of problems with my ex. My friends would question the speed of the whole thing. And I had to meet his parents as his girl friend! AND, we had a wedding to plan on top of all that. But, it was well worth it, just to know that I could be sitting contentedly with him. I never felt as much peace before.
They said it doesn't take more than a second start falling in love. I agree and disagree. Sometimes, for people who are dense, it takes them a few months to realise it. But it takes less than a second after it hits them to make the final decision to love someone else.
That's how I fell in love anyway.
Labels: Articles, Personal, Philosophy
"Many of my peers, bright and well educated have packed up and left. It’s what MM Goh called “quitters”. It’s sad but true, Singapore no longer is a place where one can hope to work hard their lives and retire graciously. It’s really the push factor. A future is something we sweat it out, build and call our own. Unfortunately, people like me, mid 30’s going on 40’s, staying put by choice or otherwise, we can’t help but feel what lies ahead is really a gamble.
To PM Lee and the Ministers, we are on a different platform. Until you truly understand our insecurity, the future of Singapore to me remains a question mark." (2 Oct 2006)
Days later, Wee Shu Min posted this on her blog:
"Derek is one of many wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world. one of those who would prefer to be unemployed and wax lyrical about how his myriad talents are being abandoned for the foreigner’s, instead of earning a decent, stable living as a sales assistant. it’s not even about being a road sweeper. these shitbags don’t want anything without “manager” and a name card. Please, get out of my elite uncaring face." (19 Oct, 2006)
Shu Min's blog entry caused quite a huge uproar in Singapore. She eventually took down her blog, but it didn't stop there. Popular forums in Singapore and even Canada had something unkind to say about her. Those who decided to give her a break only did so because she is "only 18 and may not know much about the real world". Overnight, Shu Min went from a smart student attending a top junior college in Singapore to being witch-hunted in cyberspace. She was hung and burnt on stake over the blogsphere despite her public apology.
I read so many comments stating that she has such an elitist view because she was born with a silver spoon and doesn't know what it is really like to have to work hard in life. I found myself pondering on a few points in this whole soap-opera-like drama. Firstly, why do we bother to lock, aim and shoot someone else's point of view? Is it important that we refute everything she says? Is it necessary to bring her to her knees over this?
She has a own value system that may differ from ours. I personally can't say I agree with her thoughts, but I don't see why I should impose my values on her. She isn't my child nor is she my younger sister. It is not in my place to "teach" her my values. If her family has that value system, and taught her just that, then it is not for us to tell her that her perspectives are wrong.
The point is this: You don't have to agree with her. But it doesn't mean you can disrespect her. You don't have to like what she says. But it doesn't mean you should argue with her, hunt her down on cyber space (to the extent of dragging up her bikini pictures) and embarrass her. Why react with anger, disappointment and disgust over someone else's view of life? Why judge her?
By being harsh and critical towards another person, we invite harshness and criticism over our own actions. If we judge another, we will automatically judge ourselves, and our loved ones as well. We open the door to suffering because we thought what we are doing or saying is right. Even if our thoughts and views may be on a higher moral ground than Shu Min's, we drag ourselves to suffer anger and criticism along with her if we are to judge her comments or her upbringing.
The fact is that we can't change her upbringing. If she is born rich, that is her fate. By being overly-critical on her life and her so-called elitist comments, we may succeed in muzzling her. But we will not change her perspectives in life that have been ingrained into the core of her value system. By arguing our well-thought-out and morally-and-politically-correct case, we succeed only in making ourselves feel superior at her expense.
You know the infamous story about pointing a finger at someone (three fingers would point back at ourselves). The truth is that if you judge someone based on what they are wearing (Gucci shoes...check, Louis Vuitton bag...check, Chanel suit...check), you will need to spend a lot of money to dress up as well. Whether you realise it or not, you are suffering. You will eventually always feel insecure whatever you wear, or always feel that you may not have enough. Similarly, if you judge someone based on the house they live in, you will always be critical over the size of your own house.
If we criticise Shu Min today, we will be criticising ourselves tomorrow. After all, we have to keep to the same moral standards that we set for others (or in some cases, we may feel we need to exceed them). Why give ourselves so much pressure? Will such conditions really spur us to grow into better people? If you rear one horse in a wide and peaceful meadow, and another in a crowded and busy city, you can probably guess which horse will be the healthier (and happier) of the two. I prefer peaceful conditions. And I wish for Shu Min, and everyone else, to find peace in their tiny little portion of this earth.
Labels: Articles
Why You Shouldn’t go to Bed Angry
0 comments Published by Mel on Tuesday, December 12, 2006 at 2:28 PMI must confess, I had a small misunderstanding with Ye Chow recently. He was reading a book which is a compilation of short stories written by some guy a few centuries ago. The stories describe the daily lives of him and his neighbourhood, as well as some rumours and strange happenings. It sounded very interesting, and I wanted to share the moment with him. The problem was that he was reading a Chinese book and since I can’t read a word of Chinese, I asked him to translate for me as he went along.
He took it as me distracting him and not letting him read the book. In the end, he went to the hall area to read. And I got pretty mad, so I went to sleep.
And I had a really awful dream.
***
Ye Chow and I were in our car, driving along the road to get to a shopping complex in the heart of Kuala Lumpur. We noticed that there had been a bad accident. There were a few cars at the side of the road that seemed very badly damaged. In fact, one of them was lying on the pavement in two pieces!! And there were bundles of clothes everywhere. I averted my eyes since I can’t bear to see accidents. It was then that I noticed something really weird. The road that we were driving on had pools of red puddles. In fact, as we travelled further, the red puddles were larger and larger until it appeared as if we were driving on a red road. There were more damaged cars, and horror of horrors, it finally dawned onto me that those sack of clothes that were increasing in numbers were actually mutilated bodies! I wanted to shut my eyes, but my curiosity was so strong that I couldn’t help but look harder. Some bodies appeared to be cut into two, which was why I couldn’t recognize them as human corpses. Some were strewing from the damaged cars (which also appeared to be smashed into two), while some were pretty much scattered in smaller pieces all over the road. I could even smell blood.
I was so horrified that I didn’t notice Ye Chow’s reactions until he spoke up. He wanted to stop at a nearby shop and just stay indoors. He didn’t think it was a good idea to continue driving on the road where the number of “accidents” seems to be increasing. So we stopped and walked into a small grocery shop. There, we found a lot of people huddling together watching a small TV set in the corner of the store. Most of them had a look of disbelief, while others had a really blank stare. The owner of the shop, a big Indian man behind the counter, told us that a gigantic-size tractor just went by 20-30 minutes ago. That tractor was attacking other vehicles. He had heard a lot of screaming and screeching of tyres, and the sound of metal crunching. On the TV set, a special news report on TV3 had pre-empted all other programs.
Apparently, a couple of teens had stolen an experimental vehicle from the Agricultural Research Institute. It was indeed a gigantic-size tractor, designed for harvesting paddy (rice). It had a detachable loader in the front and backhoe at the back, which would convert the tractor into a very strong vehicle for construction purposes. The machine was so powerful that it purportedly could do the job of 3-4 other tractors. The only problem was that in the hands of two reckless teens on a murderous spree.
A video feed from the news station helicopter showed the tractor “attacking” motorcyclist and motorists along its path. While many motorists can speed away in their far more powerful cars, many motorcyclists were not so lucky. The backhoe had an extendable arm that could easily nudge the motorcyclist to ground, after which the two boys would drive over the wounded and kill them. They also used the front loader to damage any cars that were parked at the side of the road.
The scene was so awful. On the TV screen, we could see people dying. Outside the window of the shop, we could see so much blood and corpses. I felt so nauseated. Ye Chow told me we couldn’t stay in the shop forever, as more and more people were coming in. We should probably get into our car and go home where it would be safe. I was so afraid to go out that I wanted to object vehemently, but when he walked out, I found myself following after him very numbly. Although I was screaming inside, I couldn’t utter a word. I just couldn’t find my voice to object to driving out there where the teen boys were still on the loose.
Throughout the drive home, I would find my heart pounding and ears ringing at every turn. I wanted to look out at every junction, but I found myself looking the opposite direction. It was as if I was two people at the same time. One person wanted to be cautious, alert and careful. The other person wanted to hide away, deny the danger, and do nothing.
And suddenly, the world seemed fake to me. When I looked out the front windscreen, I saw a world of colours that were not real. I saw that life was always going to end in death. I saw that whether I died under a tractor at the age of 25 or on a hospital bed at the age of 80, it would not make much of a difference to the world. These colours were not real, nor permanent. I would take nothing of it with me when the tractor comes. I turned to look at the man driving beside me. He looked so unfamiliar now. Just another human body next to me. I did not recognise his face anymore. But when he glanced at me, I recognised his presence. The face meant nothing.
Outside, the road was still red. There were police cars and ambulances going the opposite direction towards the city. Yet I didn’t feel like I was a part of the world anymore.
And then I woke up.
***
The first thing I did was to get Ye Chow to apologize to me and sort out the misunderstanding. You really should never go to bed angry.
