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Somedays I wonder if life passes me by too quickly. And somedays I wonder if life passes me by too slowly.

The day my self-conciousness fell, it became clear that the only person who notices my comings and goings is me. Like the gnat who lands on the bulls horn, one's own importance is only evident to oneself.

I started to see life passing by in different speeds. Sometimes when watching the ambitious man work, I see him working towards a goal that never seems to be attainable. Is he driven? Probably. But is he happy? Often the answer is negative. The drive that compels him to efficiency and effectiveness pushes him to greater heights, but he is too busy looking forward to fully enjoy the sights. He is rewarded for his efforts, but he punishes himself for his success with more work.

The one who appears to enjoy life fully lives in idleness. Day by day passes into another, slowly, like a dream that never ends. Leisure shopping one afternoon fades into a workout in the gym, coffee in a hotel lounge and entertainment in the local bar. The determination to enjoy life is so strong, that one barely enjoys it at all. A life that forces itself upon enjoyment will live only to seek more enjoyment, never to be truly satisfied with the current moment nor truly be happy in their own skin.

Yet, the pursuit of happiness is not for anyone else's pleasure but one's own. It is not to show others that one is happy. Calmness and happiness is not a decision nor a concious effort to hide the dissatisfaction and burst of unnatural energy. It is a state of mind.

The only person who notices my comings and goings, failures and successes is myself. No one else really cares. Hence, there lies my happiness.